Confession

Well Crap.
I've been looking at 2 of the wedding blogs I follow:
The Disney Wedding Blog and Austin Wedding Blog, and this crappy feeling comes over me. The feeling that it's never going to happen. The feeling that when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter what I want , what I've dreamed of, or have in my head, IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. I don't mean that certain things will be cut out because of budget, or instead of an awesome venue the reception will be in a church fellowship hall. This feeling switches between: we're going to end up in front of a justice of a peace in jeans and tee-shirts and exchange twisty-ties because we spent have no money at all, and we're not going to get married at all. Ever.
I know that neither of these things are going to happen. I know that I love Rob with all my hear and that Rob loves me and, like me, wants to get married (hell, he's started talking about the wedding out of the blue a few times...) it's just this nagging thing in the back of my mind. There are several reasons for this, including (but not limited to): he hasn't told his parents that this is the plan, I haven't told my parents that it's back on, we don't have the money that this thing will cost us, and my mother wasn't all that interested in the planning for her own wedding, so she's going either have this blase attitude about it, or debate me on EVERY decision.
Now the parents thing, that scares me because both of those conversations include a talk about funding. Are they going to give us money? Are they only going to show up with gifts? Will they pay for certain things and not others? I don't know. I do know that I don't want to be with Rob when he has that discussion with his parents and I don't want him there when I have that discussion with mine. Money is a very personal thing in families, and I don't want either of our presences interpreted as us being money grubbing or as pressure to give as much as or more than the other's parents. Also I honestly don't want it to be a pissing contest of who has more than whom. I've seen adds for wedding loans, but honestly going into MORE debt for a one night event is CRAZY. I guess when he gets a better job, and we're both focusing less on paying off credit cards we'll be able to set more money aside because right now cupcakes and the JD look like about all we can afford.
Now my mother is a WHOLE other story. She got married in 1979, right before Christmas, right after college finals. She's a tomboy in every since of the word, and honestly the only other times she's worn a dress, is less than 10. She let her mother and sister take the reigns and only specified that she wanted yellow. So she got yellow in her dress and carried yellow roses. The church was already decorated with poinsettias because it was the day before Christmas Eve, and the reception was in the fellowship hall. She didn't care about the cake, the food, the flowers, anything. So that's who I'm working with. She knows that I'm the total opposite of her and totally girly. She's aware that my ideas and designs are much more thought out and extravagant than hers. I just have this nagging feeling that she's going to second guess everything. (Do you really want it to be there? I don't think you really need that. etc. etc.) Also, I'm pretty damn sure that her reactions to things that I think are great are going to be underwhelming for me to say the least. A lot of the time I'll get a response along the lines of: "Do you like it?" "If you like it." "If that's what you think." When I really want: "It looks great on you!" "I think that'll be great with..." "Great idea!" I'm not saying she doesn't give me those responses, it's just the former group comes out of her mouth much more than the latter group, not what you want when you're in the Wedding Daze...
Oh well. Honestly this is probably a combination of the season and the fact that I miss Rob my apartment, my cat, and Austin.

12 Months out is August...oh jeez